Help Wanted

I have 3 problems at the moment.

Could you come to my rescue?

First, I need help breaking up with sugar.  It has courted me the entire month and I happily swooned in its presence.  But now it needs to go home.  I've danced with it in all forms - brown, white, powdered, granulated, superfine, and cane.  I've also kissed its cousins - honey, molasses, and corn syrup.  But the honeymoon is over, the sugar induced coma has set in, and my mind is spinning in sucrose soup.  Even Jeff, the healthiest eater of our bunch, has fallen victim to the addictive effects of  cocoacaine and has developed an insatiable appetite for all confections.

Help is needed immediately.  I need concrete answers.  DO NOT send any psychobabble using the words self-control, will power, or mind over matter. Just send me the recipe for a detoxing casserole.  Or perhaps a movie with subliminal "sugar is your enemy...sugar keeps you hostage" messages throughout.  Maybe a special lotion to rub on my earlobes that will instantly cause all the cravings to cease and desist?  I'm begging you...

{And I'm writing a letter to my Congressman tomorrow.  I think sugar, in all of its vast and evil forms, should be a controlled substance.  Kept under lock and key.}

Second, I look like an idiot playing the Wii.  Grandma and Grandpa Mackintosh gave us one for Christmas.  The kids love it.  I look like an ignoramus.  Taiden and Jeff were getting their kicks last night as I exhibited my lack of Wii grace.  I about threw my shoulder out while playing Toy Story Mania and my quads were on fire due to my awkward stance that I think was way too wide.  

Any suggestions on how to avoid getting my mommy groove on every time I take the controller?  Are there community classes I can take?  Perhaps some self-help courses?

Third, is anyone willing to come take all of my Christmas decorations down, box them up alphabetically in their 2,500 totes, and put them away nicey-neaty in our storage room (which requires the agility of an acrobat to reach)?

Please?

Pretty please?

With sugar vegetables on top?