Edible Apologies

Hello, my name is Kristen.  I am long winded.  In both written and verbal words.  I apologize to those who appreciate brevity.  

You will not find any around here.  But, welcome anyway.

I'm all about parents being humble enough to apologize to their kids when they make a mistake. We teach by example.  We goof up in this trial and error challenge called parenting? We apologize.  We say, "I'm sorry".  We strive to not make the same mistake again.  Admitting to your kids that even mom and dad blow it sometimes is not a sign of weakness.  

I readily admit that I have to apologize to my kids more often than not.  I am not a patient person and my fuse is mighty short.  I'm also an over reactor which I've openly confessed in previous posts.  It's a weakness I hope to someday rein in and tame.  

I think the majority of my apologies are in regards to my intolerance in the morning hours.  We have still, after 8 years of attending public schools, NOT figured out an effective morning routine.  There is WAY too much talking.  Too much laughing.  Too much time lingering over a soggy bowl of Kix.  Should it really take you 30 minutes to consume 1.5 servings?  Too many arguments over which Star Wars character could whoop another Star Wars character. Too much rummaging through mom's make up and jewelry box to see what can be borrowed (not to worry, that pertains to Kennedy only).  Too much off task behavior.  Too much reminding from dad.  Too much yelling from mom!

Last Friday, Taiden had a rough morning and I had an even rougher one.  I lost my cool and was in full blown "last-person-to-ever-get-mommy-of-the-year-award-and-first-person-to-lose-her-voice-permanently-from-blowing-out-her-vocal-chords-because-of-overuse" mode.  I had had it!  I drove Brittan to school and dropped him off early so I could get back to deal with his older sibling.  As Britt scattered out of the car, I could tell he was relieved to be out of my reach because the talons were out and I was not in the mood.

Taiden ended up leaving the house 10 minutes late.  He had to run the whole way to school in hopes of catching the crossing guard before she was off duty.  After he left the house, and I had started on a cough drop to ease my scratchy throat (from the intensified decibel level) I wondered if he had learned his lesson.  Oh, I sure taught him.  Um.  Yeah.  Taught him.  

The only thing I taught him was how a mom should never act.  Never.  

So, the flood of guilt washed over me at that point.  I was ashamed.  I was horrified that I had lost complete and total control and that he had to go to school knowing he had the biggest jerk in the world as a mother.

Then the paranoid mind games started. What if he fell while running to school?  Maybe he was wreathing in pain somewhere and nobody was there to help him up (flashback to "I've fallen and I can't get up!" scenario).  Or, maybe he ran the whole way with tears streaming down his face, blurring his vision, and causing him to take a left rather than a right at the corner, and heading him towards Kaysville.  What if he stops and realizes that he is far from home?  What if he sits on the curb and starts to cry even harder?  Or, what if he was abducted by aliens?  The mothership swoops down, ZAP!, and he is gone.  (You know those darn aliens love to implant things into the back of humans' necks, don't you?  Ever watch the X-Files?)

All joking aside, I felt awful.  I really do let my mind wander and imagine the worst things happening.  I am often tempted to call the school to make sure they arrive safely when they run late.  It's my guilty conscience giving me a work over.  And boy, is it a work over.

On the occasions such as this, I usually have one course of action.  I head to the school at lunchtime.  I have to see them and put my arms around them.  It's a pitiful attempt to remedy my mistake, but I have to do it.  I usually stay and eat lunch with them.  It's what I do. On Friday, I checked Taiden out and took him to lunch.  I broke into an apology the minute we got in the car and I couldn't hold in my waterworks.  The floodgates opened and I was completely consumed with regret. Sincere regret.  

We had an enjoyable lunch and a good talk.  My kids don't hold grudges or cling to hard feelings.  We adults could learn a lesson from them.  He knew that I was sorry and that there was no excuse for my actions.  Late morning or not, losing my cool was not appropriate in any way, shape or form.  I need to stop being a yeller. We talked about what we both could do to make our morning routine smoother and planned to sit down and discuss it as a family.

I also checked the back of his neck for an alien chip.  All clear.

In summary, I've got a lot of improving to do as a mom.  I pray everyday that I can do what's right for my kids.  I love them.  I know we all have moments that we wish we could take back. Moments in which we gave a less than stellar performance as mom or dad.  I hope these cloudy moments are faded by the bright instances when I can show my kids how much they mean to me.  Instances when I put my love and concern for them ahead of time schedules and  the busy tasks of life.  They mean everything to me.  I need to learn to show it constantly, even when life doesn't unfold into a perfectly seamless flow.

Edible apologies are breaking my bank and breaking my heart.

I will do better.